Anyone has suggestions how to make a 17 yr old realise that EFT will help him get over his confusion and rebellion?

Praveen,

I'm sure that you will receive many suggestions from skilled and experienced EFT users who work with young people. I'd just like to add what I learned from watching Gary Craig's videos and waht inspired me to start these forums - in particular the wonderful presentation by Ann Adams in the Specialty Series. We need to respect the child, respect where they are in the moment and in their journey before we attempt to "make" them see, or understand our point of view which is just that, our perspective on what's best for them. This one conscious act of empathy did more to teach me how to use EFT in my life and with others than any other single concept.

I hope that in bringing EFT to children we will still respect that they must receive it and apply it on their own terms. 

Be well,

Eric 

   

HI All,

I am also often inspired by Ann Adams words, and review them mentally especially when preparing to do a session with a child.  I tap on myself for my struggle with wanting to accomplish alot and "get to the issues" for my reasons, or the parents reasons.  As Ann encourages that building rapport and "just being with" the child is part of the process.  (Thanks Ann!)

I have also noticed it's important to resist the temptation to reframe with a child as they are dicharging negative stuff.  It all sounds so negative and I am just repeating along and tapping with an empathetic voice - something that would be seem counter-intuitive if one were having a discussion a child.  It would have seemed harmful to me before to validate such feelings.  But EFT is so different - they release and don't need to be talked out of it or heavily reframed. 

The downside of reframing to soon or too much is too lose the rapport and trust of the child.  To trust the process instead is to trust the natural resiliency and inherent goodness of the child.  They seem to forgive and forget so much more easily and naturally, without the cognitive preponderance - maybe because they haven't carried it as long as we adults. 

I also find it helpful with the parents in discussing Ann's way of recognizing that the child is doing their best with what they have so far.  They are coping in the only way they know how, trying ot meet their own needs - regardless of how shocking their behavior may seem to adults.  Seeing their child as devious and lacking empathy is a cycle that must be broken with the parents as I work with the child.  So far, only one parent has let me work with him directly on all his negative feelings toward his child - and it made a huge difference.  I let parents watch my copy of Don Blakerby's talk on the EFT dvd to increase their understanding and empathy towards their child. 

Sincerely,

Margaret

 Hi All,

 

I agree with Margaret. That's my experience  especially with teenagers too. EFT is a container almost a caldron to cook

those negative feelings. The setup is very important at that regard. I often do stuff like "Even though I hate reading/my teacher/ homework/math etc.

I'm a good student" with teenagers. I even throw in some exaggerations like "reading was invented to torture me" or something like that.

Sometimes they remind me with a stern voice, that it's not that bad. A good line is also "Even though I have to do this stupid exercise and

hope nobody is watching us".  This a way to acknowledge their feelings and provide a safe place for them to be. They often laugh when we do that.

Sometimes they keep complaining but you can see how there body softens before your eyes  as we go through the tapping points. Go with what

their bodies tell you, also in terms of permission.

 

Another thing I go for early on is flow. Kids and teenagers need a least one activity where they experience flow on a regular basis. I have one

student who is a race-driver (pocket-bike) he got already a job offer by a car dealer as a mechanic who is also his sponsor. His former school

tried to send him to a specialEd School. Another student is a horsewisperer, she rides horses others can't. Look for what they are good at.

Howard Gardners multiple intelligences are useful here. If they find flow many things fall in place naturally. EFT is a great tool to clear the

roadblocks  to those experiences. Often it's  lack of self-esteem, thinking they are  too stupid or  they  are a failure or  'nothing works'  and they play

cool about it.  
 

 Hope that's helpful. Keep us updated about your progress.

 

Best wishes

 
Dirk 

Dirk,

Thank you for this. Your languaging suggestions and examples will help many. I'd like to be sure that the Teacher's discussion forum has the opportunity to read this, so I will post it there as well.

Eric 

 

 

 

I agree with all the above replies. If we want to force our beliefs onto someone, especially a teenager, It just reinforces the teen-age rebelliousness to push back against us . And our projection of that need onto another at an energetic level can cause the opposite of what we want.

Our natural parental response is to want to "fix" or "help",

 How about tapping on yourself as needed to relieve your stress and your projection of what "you" want for him. That puts you into a more balanced state which brings more clarity about the situation. And he will respond to your balanced energy.

Maybe others have better wording, but the concept is something like:

     Even though I want to use EFT to help my son, I now release that need and trust that he will be OK

    Even though I know that EFT can help him get over his confusion and rebellion, because I love him, I allow him to choose when and if  he is ready to accept EFT. 

    Even though I know that my wanting this for my son may cause him to resist it and me even more, I am willing to allow him to choose and I trust in my love for him. 

Praveena,

There are lots of words of wisdom here. I'll give you a little background, and then some hope.

When I started learning EFT about four years ago, my then 13-year-old son was going through clinical depression that resulted in hospitalization, so you can imagine just how badly I wasnted to teach him about EFT! At the time, he had no patience whatsoever, so when we couldn't "clear" anything within just a couple of rounds, he declared that it didn't work for him.

Of course, I had to back off. As I learned more and more about EFT, I really, really wanted to find a way to get him to give it a really good try, but as with the other posts here, we've all learned from Ann Adams that we need to meet the kids where they're at. The other thing that wise sources teach us is that children (and that even includes teens) learn by example.

So I continued to tap for myself, and for his younger sister and brother, who were far more open to it. I allowed him his rebelliousness, and even laughed along with him when he called my EFT workshop my "cult meeting". So over time, he had an opportunity to see changes in our reactions or behaviours.

One day a couple of years ago, when I was taking him for an appointment, he started to have a huge panic attack. He was having testing done to find out if he had a learning disability, and it was a full day of testing. He didn't think he would be able to complete the testing. This time I asked if I could tap on myself on his behalf, and he said okay, but still wanted to return home. Of course, as I tapped I watched his body relax, and he was able to go back and complete the remainder of the day of testing without any more difficulties. It was my first breakthrough!

After that, I thought it would be a lot easier to get him to tap, but alas, I had further lessons in patience to learn. (After all the tapping I had been doing, the patience now came much more readily, thank goodness.)

I had resigned myself to the idea that he would probably never give in to this strange practice that his mother has. But then, about a month ago, he had to have some major dental surgery, which would require sedation for about 90 minutes. Although he had been given the "pre" sedative, he was still really anxious, especially when he saw all the equipment in the dental surgeon's room. This time, I just threw in a casual, "Can I tap on you?", so which he answered, "Sure". I just tapped all the points without saying anything (because he was so tuned in to the fears). As he was on a monitor, I was able to watch his blood pressure and heart rate quickly coming down, and he was able to go through the procedure without any more fear. I realize he'd been given a sedative, but he has "fought" sedation before, and had it "not work".

So, Praveena, there's a real life story of how you can gently and slowly turn a rebellious teen in a healthier direction. Take care of yourself, be the best role model that you can be, and he will respect you for it. (By the way, my son no longer considers himself to be depressed, and we can all see the light!)

Warm regards,

Deb

Dear Deb,

Thank you all for so much words of wisdom. After I read the chain of letters I cannot explain the feeling of having soemone I can share my feelings with and I find strength to help my son now I know that i have so much support. My son is a good kid and I think it is low self esteem that is causing all his troubles. I have started tapping on myself to help handle my anxiety over my son and I think it is working but though I get still get nervous when I think of him I don't think I have the intentisity anymore.  Thanks a ton and I will definitely keep hoping that my son will respond to my efforts.

Praveena 

 

Deb

I really identified with your story here.  I am a Level 3 practitioner, enoy an international practice, all my friends let me tap for them, my sisters, my husband, my youngest son, they use it for everything but up until recently my eldest (17) has shrieked at me 'Why can't you just listen to me, why do we have to do this stupid tapping? every time I suggest tapping. In vain I explained why would I just listen to you when I could actually do something to help you feel better.  Probably all this time missing what he has been trying to tell me, so I stopped trying to tapped and started listening!

I had to do alot of tapping on myself about this.  At one point he said when really frustrated, why can't you just be a normal mum, why do you have to be a stupid therapist?

Our family has been through a very traumatic time with multiple bereavements, both my parents dead and dying from early onset dementia, a sister who committed suicide and my own early depression and nervous breakdown.  In the past he has reluctantly allowed me to tap for exam stress, we cleared his dyslexia, I knew he knew it works so my frustration was high as I KNOW what he has been through.

I am not sure when it changed, I suspect the change could be as much to do with me as him, but to my delight last week in the car he started to tell me about a bad dream.  He linked it to a real life event and I asked 'how does that feel for you now?' He said 'horrible' so I drew a breathe and said 'do you want to tap?'  And he said OK!!!  I nearly drove of the road:)  The tapping session encompassed a very traumatic event from his childhood which involved me.  (I had to do a fair bit of tapping myself afterwards on this)  His whole demeanour has changed, he is much more relaxed, outgoing and confident, it is measureable in just one week.  It has taken time, patience, acceptance, at times none of which has been easy, but we got there!  I am beyond grateful for the wonderful gift of EFT, which allows us to clear up our messes behind us.

Gillian

www.eastneuktherapies.co.uk